Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you’re a Virgo.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The interesting thing about your future isn’t its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the past 25 years was probably a mistake.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The kind of pressure you’ll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ve got a pair of gams that just won’t quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Something deep inside of you will reawaken this week. Plan to spend most of Thursday sitting in your bathroom.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’re no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Try as they might, the stars can’t see the point in telling you about next week. You’ll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.