Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed—except you!
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The second week of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleaning.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Fire and Air magic are now strong in Aquarius. Perhaps your decision to “get back on that horse” is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini’s five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer’s still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.