Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed—except you!

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.

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Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

The second week of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleaning.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Fire and Air magic are now strong in Aquarius. Perhaps your decision to “get back on that horse” is inappropriate for a jet pilot.

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

An eerie sense of doom enters your mealtimes as the fortune cookie people continue their vendetta against you.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed. 

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Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini’s five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer’s still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.

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