Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your attempt to lighten the mood by relating a few amusing anecdotes will only result in people getting angrier and angrier as the life raft slowly fills with water.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Some things only become funny when you look back on them years later. Conversely, the events of next week will seem funny at the time, but as the years go by, society will gain sensitivity and learn to outgrow that sort of thing.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try not to take next week’s failings too personally. The stars are sure that nine times out of 10 you totally would have beaten leukemia.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your generosity will pay off this week when your gift of $100 in cash inspires the recipient to have sex with you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There’s almost certainly more to life than lying around watching old episodes of Friends all day, but hey, it’s enough.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There’s just something about you that says “sexual deviant.” It’s your own voice, and frankly, it is seriously overestimating how interesting you are.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
It’s true that the girl who lives down the hall is really attracted to you, although you’ll reflect that perhaps the word “female” is more accurate after her needle-sharp ovipositor pierces your cornea and the first of thousands of eggs slowly slides in.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your radical theory about a mysterious group of cleaners who appear at night to tidy up your office is strikingly close to the truth, but don’t worry: You’re in no danger.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Stop worrying so much about what your family thinks about you. After all, if there really is life after death, you can assume they’re pretty angry about the fire you started at the reunion.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember, just because you read something in an authoritative-looking book doesn’t mean it’s true. There is actually no such thing as “Houston, Texas.”
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your good friends will help remind you of what’s really important in life, especially those to whom you owe all that money.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Once again nothing much is going to happen to you, but really, we appreciate that you took the time to check.