Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Home is where the heart is. Specifically, beneath the floorboards of the common room.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Turns out it’s not your relationship with your father that’s been eating you up inside, but rather a three-foot long parasite lodged directly below your kidney.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It takes a real man to admit when he’s made a mistake. However, now that you’re a woman, you can blame the sex-change operation on someone else.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Due to its high incidence of hijinx, tomfoolery, and puns, you’ll finally decide to stop answering doors during knock-knock jokes.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that the cute blonde you’ve been pointing them out to couldn’t be more bored if she tried.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll continue to grow as a human being this week, much to the relief of all those geneticists.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Every day on Earth is like a beautiful gift from God, which is thoughtful and all, but you’d probably prefer something you can actually use.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Juggling three young children isn’t easy for any mother, but then, that’s why you start with tennis balls and bowling pins first.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Take heart: There are people with bigger problems than yours, and acting like you care about them will get you laid.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Were it officially sanctioned, judged by an impartial panel, and taking place somewhere other than your kitchen late at night, you’d pretty much shatter all existing hot dog eating records.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You said you’d never forget all the little people who helped you along the way, but since becoming rich and famous you haven’t thought about those midgets once.