Aries | March 21 to April 19
For centuries, fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The fruits of your labor will finally ripen this week before going soft and filling with mold two days later.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90% of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your imagination is the limit! Try visualizing what your future would look like as head garbageman!
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The explosion of a blood vessel beneath your brain’s memory center will soon give you the fresh start you’ve been searching for.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters will finally produce the complete works of William Shakespeare, only to dismiss them as inferior to the oeuvre of Christopher Marlowe, or even Francis Bacon at his height.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Don’t be surprised this week if someone strangles you with a length of piano wire as you read about your future.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
When life gives you lemons, why not blame them on your troubled upbringing and consequent inability to show affection? It sure beats making lemonade.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don’t listen to what others may be saying about your highly unstable nature and crippling psychosis. After all, most of those voices exist only in your head.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will once again dress up as an emotionally stunted man-child for Halloween this year.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Nobody said that it was going to be easy, or fun, or even practical. But then nobody really said much about your desire to take up differential calculus.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars think it’s time you stopped skirting around the issue and finally told your cat how you really feel.