Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 24, 2019

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You thought whale-watching sounded harmless enough, but now that they’ve decided to watch you back, it’s really starting to become a problem.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ll be mesmerized by the simple beauty of a grand-piano-shaped shadow that somehow just keeps getting bigger all around you.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll regret your decision to stop and help a kitten you’ve hit with your car after the furry little bastard sues you for all your worth.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You’ve always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’ll finally make peace with your estranged father next week, but only at the cost of a healthy self-image and most of your dignity.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You will soon become obsessed with disproving the long-standing assertion regarding the impossibility of roller-skating in buffalo herds.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You have problems that can only be solved by years of therapy and perhaps even medication, but by all means, continue to think it’s because you haven’t met the right girl yet.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars are just going to go out on a limb here and say you’re tired of turkey sandwiches.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

It occurs to you that the best and most practical way for you to follow your dreams is to spend most of your time asleep.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You’ll get the kind of bad news that’s best shared with those closest to you, but unfortunately, you don’t really know them that well.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Your significant other has always been the never-say-die type, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think it at you about two dozen times a day.