Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A man is defined by the decisions he makes. Not listening to this piece of trite advice is probably a good start.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The suit jacket and tie might make you look more professional, but at the end of the day, you’re still not wearing any pants.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Try as you might, you’ll find yourself completely unable to escape this week’s M.C. Escher Museum fire.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
While it’s natural for human beings to be resistant to change, after losing your family, job, and home, it’s probably time you start accepting some from passersby.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
What begins this week as a hilarious balls-copying prank will end minutes later with the discovery of a rather large testicular tumor.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
In many ways, you’re still a child. None of them, however, will prevent you from being tried this week as an adult.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
For the third time this week, you’ll be forced to open up that same old tupperware container of leftover whupass.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
When it comes to race relations, you’re colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Farm animals can often sense an earthquake seconds before it hits, which explains why they’re all looking at you with that huge grin on their face.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
They say you can’t judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, but after 3,000 feet, you’re beginning to suspect he’d like to have his sneakers back.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After years of intense searching, you’ll finally find yourself this week—-naked, alone, and with a six foot gash across your forehead.