Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
This week it will seem you must either tell your secret love about your feelings or die. Next week, of course, you will die.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you’re up against a race of impossibly advanced aliens who can move through time at will.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, so maybe it’s time to consider quitting your job on that offshore oil rig.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be caught utterly and completely off-guard by next week’s events, causing you to wish once again that you had some sort of way to tell the future.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
While it’s true you’re not the brightest person around, take solace in the fact that you’re not going to win any beauty contests, either.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Although at first it seems impossible to believe the zookeeper’s story of how you were switched at birth, the fact remains that you’re the only giraffe in your office.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Some trouble looms at work next week when first the boss decides to fire half the staff and then those people get mad and decide to murder everybody.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
No real change for your star sign this week, unless you’re one of those over-sensitive types who lets it get to them when the White House explodes.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
After a solid decade of enduring horrifying and unrelenting psychosexual nightmares, you will finally meet the man of your dreams.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You finally win the love and admiration of all American citizens now that it means exactly jack shit.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Seriously, if kielbasa on a roll with coleslaw and barbecue sauce isn’t the best thing in the entire world, the stars would like to know just what is.