Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 4, 2018

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Scotch nears emptiness.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truck stops along I-90.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a preemptive strike against every round thing in your community.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.