Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 5, 2017

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

You are about to enter a very pure and worry-free time in your life, when having fun and signing off on federal legislation is all you need to worry about.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Wisdom says that God won’t give you more than you can handle, but then again God never got his Croc shoes caught in a revolving door.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You will be celebrated and vilified in equal measure when you scientifically determine the exact point at which a cute kitten becomes a full-grown cat and starts to suck.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ve always thought that blimps were kind of relaxing, but that was before you experienced the long, drawn-out, almost boring horror of a three-hour accident.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The Stars predict that food will materialize in your refrigerator the fourth time you open it.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Before you head out the door, take one last look in the mirror to make sure you’re not still doing your morning baboon impressions.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

While it’s true that a lot of music contains sexual innuendo, you’re pretty much alone in thinking that Beethoven’s Fifth has an undeniable copulatory rhythm.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You’ve always believed that you’ve left your lovers happy, satisfied, and thinking fondly of you, but their plaintive oinking and squealing would seem to suggest otherwise.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You awoke this morning a young man without a care in the world, but due to cosmic events beyond your control, you’ll end the day as the oldest woman ever inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the hilarity of it all, but sometimes it’s better to actually help people out of the burning building.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Although you are firmly convinced there are some things that mankind was just not meant to know, you’re not exactly sure how you’re supposed to be able to tell what they are.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Someday in the future, long after you’ve died and passed from living memory, really won’t be that long from now.