Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your insatiable need to be the center of attention leads to your becoming loathed and shunned, except by the millions of fans of your TV show.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ve tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, you will slowly develop into a postmodern-era Internet meme.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve delivered babies, made passionate love, and built up your own business, but you’ll finally encounter a problem you can’t solve with your fists.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will learn through bitter experience why there’s no Book Of Doug in the Bible.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Leos are known for their forgiving and compassionate nature, which is probably why you keep getting screwed with your pants on.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will soon encounter a strapping, sexy authority figure, but be wary: In the early stages of the relationship, it’s better to just let him give you the speeding ticket.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Although you’ve tried to be a decent person, that will eventually wind up making everything that much funnier to observers.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Jupiter has entered your sign, which is usually great, but this time he’ll stay for at least a week longer than is comfortable, use up all your clean towels and toilet paper, and never offer to pay for a damn thing.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it’s true you often sit AROUND the house, this has little to do with your weight.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’re not the kind of person who is afraid of a little hard work, which in today’s corporate world means you’re pretty much fucked.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
When you said in a fit of despair that “everyone hates” you, you forgot about Tammy. If anything, she likes you a little too much for comfort.