MIDLOTHIAN, VA—According to sources who weren’t born yesterday, home-improvement YouTuber Dale Hiseman reportedly wasted two whole minutes Wednesday explaining how to prep a deck for sealant as if viewer Anthony Cametti were a total moron. “Jeez, I’m not some goob who’s never weather-proofed a patio before—of course I know you gotta flush up any nails sitting proud of the surface before using an oxygenated deck wash,” said Cametti, who regretted watching Hiseman detail the “painfully obvious” causes of decay in untreated two-by-fours instead of skipping ahead to the two-minute mark. “Yeah, yeah, we get it. A light brushing helps loosen the dirt and reveals the grain underneath, which is how you know it’s time to crank up the power washer to 3,000 psi. For the love of Christ, stop dicking around and get to the stuff we all weren’t born knowing!” Cametti added that any idiot who couldn’t apply a pre-sealant brightener was probably too dumb to know how to play the video in the first place.
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