Zoo Posting Hourly Updates On Aphid About To Give Birth

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SAN DIEGO—Excitedly reporting that the big event could happen any time now, the San Diego Zoo began posting hourly updates as one of their aphids prepared to give birth, sources confirmed Thursday. “I know you’ve all been waiting for quite a while, but it won’t be long before we’ll all be congratulating our beloved Suzy and welcoming the newest addition to the San Diego Zoo family!” wrote zoo spokesman Rick Schwartz in a blog entry accompanying their “Suzy Cam” livestream, which allowed millions of viewers across the globe to watch in anticipation as the five-millimeter plant louse crawled up and down a leaf in the tense moments before she would begin viviparously expelling an asexually produced offspring from her rectal aperture. “Thousands of folks have visited us to get a peek at Suzy in her enclosure, waving signs showing their support and even wearing amazing costumes complete with homemade cornicles and pincers—you can see some in our digital scrapbook and upload your own costume photo if you’re wearing one at home. We’d also like to thank the 50,000-plus people who submitted to our baby-naming contest. We’ve whittled it down to the top three, so don’t forget to vote in our online polls!” Hours later, Suzy had reportedly given birth to a healthy 0.2-milligram instar female nymph, melting the hearts of millions of livestream viewers who could not get enough of watching her suckle xylem sap from her stylet.