MADISON, WI—Shedding new light on the now-500-pound forest-dwelling antlered ungulant, zoologists at the University of Wisconsin–Madison announced the discovery of a new fastest land animal Friday after systematically subjecting a white-tailed deer to a regimen of specially tailored anabolic steroids. “Some cheetahs can temporarily reach a speed as high as 75 mph, which for much of history made them the fastest terrestrial mammal. Well, that was yesterday—we got an eight-point buck jacked to the gills on PEDs to blow those fucking kittycats right out of the water,” said wildlife biologist Dr. Richard McCann, whose 18-month research project and high-intensity fast-twitch-fiber-building synthetic hormone project has proven his theory that a deer whose testosterone output was increased by a factor of 30 could potentially break the national interstate speed limit. “The Odocoileus virginianus was never forced to evolve outright speed as a means of catching prey like the pronghorn or the wildebeest, so it maxed out around 30 mph. But once we got this little guy juicing, his hind legs alone gained over 40 pounds of pure muscle mass with less than 1 percent body fat. We got him leaving gazelles in the goddamn dust.” The white-tail easily broke the 85-mph goal set by McCann, reaching a top speed of 86.3 mph before developing several mood disorders, heart disease, testicular cancer, kidney failure, hypertension, and suffering frequent uncontrollable bouts of aggression and violence.
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