SAN DIEGO—Calling the achievement a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior, zoologists at the San Diego Zoo Institute for Conservation Research announced Friday that they had finally succeeded in their efforts to get a pair of Bengal tigers to 69 in captivity. “We’ve been attempting to get large feline predators to engage in soixante-neuf for over a decade, but as everyone knows, tigers are usually somewhat reserved creatures. Of course, being cats, they took to frottage instantly, but encouraging them to perform oral, let alone mutual oral, proved to be very challenging,” said zoologist Mason Shubaly, whose team tried numerous strategies from simply providing the big cats with soft lighting and sensual music to more radical techniques such as having zookeepers demonstrate the act. However, it was years before they could inspire the timid animals to “loop-the-loop.” “Zoos across the world have been attempting this feat for years, but it takes a combination of proper atmosphere, a bit of coordination, and the right kind of coaxing to get tigers to, shall we say, engage. In the end, we used a harness to slowly lower the male tiger into the enclosure as the female was restrained upside down, and now our greatest challenge is getting them to stop sixty-nining all the time. I haven’t been this excited since we got the baboons to eat ass.” While Shubaly admitted that much work has to be done, the tigers were already displaying vast improvements in their willingness and ability to perform reverse cowgirl.
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